That elusive first step…


As will probably become abundant clear as this blog progresses, I am the notsinglenothappy Muslim woman. I’ve started this blog for a couple of reasons, one as a form of therapy, putting words down on paper 21st Century style, and two as a means of reaching out to what has to be lots of other men and women in a similar state of limbo.

First an observation, humans are the only mammals on Earth that seek out others for companionship (I think, don’t quote me on that). We are bombarded daily with the idea that perfect love exists, that there is someone out there for everyone, that we are meant to operate as a couple, bravely climbing aboard Noah’s Ark in two’s.

Yet… and this is the kicker, there are billions of people in the world, how to find that one? How do you go¬† about finding that one person who’s meant to be your other half, that Yin to your Yang, that Laurel to your Hardy, that Beavis to your Butthead? You get the idea…

It’s a dilemma that’s faced by millions of people the world over, we’re all faced with that notion, that being alone hurts, it sucks the life out of you, cripples you emotionally and leaves you sitting under a perpetually dark cloud. True, but sadly life doesn’t run like those cheesy Hollywood romcoms, you don’t find your other half by bumping into them in the street, literally falling over them, or exchanging hilariously misaddressed emails (bear with me here, my knowledge of romcoms is sketchy at best).

No, it’s tougher than that, finding someone requires first that acknowledgement that you’re looking. And who wants to admit that? That they’re lonely, that they’d like someone to share a laugh with, maybe craft a clay pot with? Stepping out on that journey of the ‘lonely soul’ is like that steps of grief thing, there are stages, but those are for a later post.

My point is that Western notions of love (and I use the term v.loosely here) have convinced us there is a perfect someone for everyone. And as hard as it is to find someone, I contend (and feel free to disagree here) that it’s much harder if you’re Muslim. And in this sense I mean a practising Muslim, one who’s interaction with the opposite sex is governed by a set of rules. Course there are those who will say that religion is an arbitrary concept anyway, and there’s no need to adhere to it’s rules, but be that as it may, for me religion is a major factor in my life.

As a Muslim you can’t go out to the clubs and pick up someone, you can’t head out to the bar in the hope that a high alcohold blood content will make you more desirable, no, meeting someone, or ‘that perfect someone’ gets much harder. Gets nigh on impossible I’ve found. And then if you’re like me, one failed marriage and a set of failed relationships behind you…well, you become your own worst enemy.

I’ve become reticent…bitter. Don’t get me wrong, I would never resent anyone their happiness, I just hate that happiness seems to be so much easier to find for others. Where’s my happily ever after? My other half, that Yin to my Yang….I need a Butthead to go with my Beavis…there I’ve admitted it.

My professional life is on a rising tangent…I’m in the process of completing my second degree and moving onto my PhD. But personally, I feel empty, I’m aware of getting older and not having anyone to come home to. They say there’s such a thing as ’empty nest syndrome’, I say they should add ’empty heart syndrome’ to the mix as well.

But anyway, that’s quite long enough for a first post, next time I’ll relate the story of my disastrous first arranged marriage, the guy who managed to bullshit his way into my heart and then backed right out again, and, if I’m feeling particulary sadistic, the story of my school girl crush.